illusions

Recently I fell into pieces... Maybe I have been all pieces throughout all these years, and never be able to face it. The reality is always there, but I am too afraid to look at it as it is. So is the future. A fugitive, who believes if I smile enough, I would be happy. Finally, I am glad the mask is off...

Memory is an interesting thing, the more practice you get remembering certain period of your life, the stronger the linkage to that memory. 12 years, god who knows. I remembered that night outside our high school, when my parents came to see me after the panic attack I just had. I remembering the yellow street light, seeing them coming towards me, my eyes looking through the evening fog into the future. I was smiling, but I was scared to death, what just happened? Why couldn't I concentrate and enjoy my work anymore? What about the exam ahead?  In a way, now I realized, that scared gaze into the future have remained with me all these years. Something is wrong, I thought, and needed to be corrected. The world has collapsed around me into one corner of safe haven, where I thought I could just hide and be happy. Of course the center becomes me instead of other people, friends and family.

Yet it is a lonely world. An artificial world trying to blocking out what is new, what is exciting. The world is changing its pace at a dazzling speed. But if the goal is to stay in control without doing much about it, then it is a scary thing. A world where good friends and families are living their lives alongside mine, many of them reach out to see how I am doing and may compare and comment, but mostly I shy away, happy to share when I thought I was doing OK, and ran away when I fell into pieces. The work as well becomes a facade, where I fixed it up to present before other people, other time doesn't really try hard to make myself uncomfortable. The whole thing is about 'comfort and safe and look good', except that I realize now this is not a real life, with pain and joy, with bravery, with struggle, a real life that I faced with trembling legs and shaking hands, but do not give up. A life that I have people in my life that I care and love, and enjoy their company along the long and winding road.

I am coming out of the safe haven, now. Next few years might see some crazy bleeding from the vulnerable safe baby, but I am coming out.