Best Parents

I have the best parents in the world, so loving...
My mum writes me almost every day long emails,  despite that her eyes are not in good shape. I will post this letter here. Thank you Mum

、合理地安排时间：所要做的就是调整好自己要做的事务，调整好自己一天的活动。首先要弄清楚自己要做的事情，然后再一步一步有计划地完成它们，最好不要留给自己任何空闲的时间……你要做的只是找到事情做，使自己忙起来。只有行动起来，即使这些行为没有任何的目的和意义，我们才会变得积极   开始行动，不再逃避。我们却什么也不做，一方面是因为不想去做，而你对事情的认识和看法会影响你将来的行动，如果你用抑郁的目光去看待它们，那么你就会陷入病痛的包围之中；相反，如果你认为它们是充满希望的，那么你就会马上开始行动。当你开始行动时，你就不会左顾右盼，而是在不知不觉中坚定不移地为了目标而奋斗了。   孩子，你需要妈妈现在就去吗，我可以先去，你爸春节去，你需要妈妈妈妈现在就可以飞去，我简单地带一些穿的衣服就行，你要对自己有信心，将来家人是会长期和你在一起的。   你要每天感恩，感谢生活赐予你的一切，每天要祷告，感恩。   现在要努力把自己的事情干好，将来咱就干自己喜欢的事，或者不干，好好休息休息。相信困难是暂时的，前途是光明的。   艾文的爸爸如果想在你那里住的话，你也可以让他多住些日子，白天一定不要闷在家里，一定要走出去。   你姥姥现在每天早上去锻炼，心情好了许多，每天都要去找人气，打扮得漂漂亮亮的。你说你姥姥小的时候，五岁时一年之中父母全部过世，，每天过着寄人篱下的生活，不到六十岁你姥爷又突然离世，找了个老伴，又不辞而别，老了老了该有多难，可她咬牙挺过来了，眼不好看不清楚，耳朵每天耳鸣，听不清楚，糖尿病3个加号，根本就没有劲，但每天在家也是穿的利利索索，反而老头在的时候，头也不梳，胡乱穿着。   人就是活的一种精神，你高兴不高兴都得往前走，要是能倒着走的话，我得第一个去试试。   孩子，养只小狗吧，如果你们出去旅游时也可以放在朋友家去，它会给你带来快乐的，你秋美姨十几年的抑郁，让可可给治好了。   实际上有好多病会在一瞬间治好的，讨厌你奶奶的病在她过生日那天，你姑架着她在路上走的时候，就在转头的一瞬间，我觉得她也很可怜，现在我对她不是像原先那么排斥了，实际上我原先对她很好，虽然她对我不怎么样，想一想她，我会对我的行为做一下反省，省的年轻时的过激言行对别人造成伤害，到自己老的时候，别人也会这样对待自己，一定要善待周边的一切。   人生就像过眼云烟，很快就是一辈子，还说今年是世界的末日呢，好好过好每一天，你们有多少好的事情去期盼呢，不要不满足，实实在在的吃好饭睡好觉，一定要有规律。   过去战士们行军打仗的时候，也许走着走着一颗流弹就会结束生命，但该吃饭该行军，照样生龙活虎，“将来胜利了，回家去守着老婆孩子热炕头。”行军打仗他们没有过多的时间去考虑自己的生死，但这小小的期盼会激励着他们走下去......。   一切都会好的，“面包会有的，牛奶也会有的”咱现在不愁吃穿，有房子住，可以去旅游，要感恩。妈妈在游泳的时候只想一件事，再游一圈吧，规范好姿势，虽然回来时有那么多的烦恼和无奈，但过好这一个小时也是高兴的，让好心情一点一点的在心中溢出.....

accept the discomfort-> courage

Maybe anxiety is just an excuse? An illusion? An alibi for not reading papers?
Note that even when I am perfectly happy, I didn't really feel comfortable reading those dense papers. So just accept the discomfort and work through it.
Discomfort probably comes with every profession. So just accept it.

Keep a perspective meanwhile, life is so much more than work. Make home truly a resting paradise, make friends with sincerity and help each other out, contact old friends and family, and try out new things you are truly interested, do it and commit to do it a bit every day.

illusions

Recently I fell into pieces... Maybe I have been all pieces throughout all these years, and never be able to face it. The reality is always there, but I am too afraid to look at it as it is. So is the future. A fugitive, who believes if I smile enough, I would be happy. Finally, I am glad the mask is off...

Memory is an interesting thing, the more practice you get remembering certain period of your life, the stronger the linkage to that memory. 12 years, god who knows. I remembered that night outside our high school, when my parents came to see me after the panic attack I just had. I remembering the yellow street light, seeing them coming towards me, my eyes looking through the evening fog into the future. I was smiling, but I was scared to death, what just happened? Why couldn't I concentrate and enjoy my work anymore? What about the exam ahead?  In a way, now I realized, that scared gaze into the future have remained with me all these years. Something is wrong, I thought, and needed to be corrected. The world has collapsed around me into one corner of safe haven, where I thought I could just hide and be happy. Of course the center becomes me instead of other people, friends and family.

Yet it is a lonely world. An artificial world trying to blocking out what is new, what is exciting. The world is changing its pace at a dazzling speed. But if the goal is to stay in control without doing much about it, then it is a scary thing. A world where good friends and families are living their lives alongside mine, many of them reach out to see how I am doing and may compare and comment, but mostly I shy away, happy to share when I thought I was doing OK, and ran away when I fell into pieces. The work as well becomes a facade, where I fixed it up to present before other people, other time doesn't really try hard to make myself uncomfortable. The whole thing is about 'comfort and safe and look good', except that I realize now this is not a real life, with pain and joy, with bravery, with struggle, a real life that I faced with trembling legs and shaking hands, but do not give up. A life that I have people in my life that I care and love, and enjoy their company along the long and winding road.

I am coming out of the safe haven, now. Next few years might see some crazy bleeding from the vulnerable safe baby, but I am coming out. 

集中与慢行

We must stop setting our sights by the light of each passing ship; instead we must set our course by the stars.